Am I a Perfectionist?

Do people call you a perfectionist? Are you not sure if that word fits?

Often the work perfectionist connotes the idea of being "perfect." So, many people don't relate to the concept if they were not a straight A student.

In theory, however, perfectionism falls under the "anxiety" umbrella. Just like OCD or tics or social anxiety are under that umbrella so is perfectionism.

This is because perfectionism is a fear. It's a fear of failing.

Clients don't often present in office for "perfectionism." What they are coming in for is unrelenting tension. Or dread at going to the office. Or, headaches or burnout. Often, for procrastination. Sometimes for work or school performance issues due to procrastination.

Perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand. 

People who have not practiced failing feel hesitancy to try something new, especially something new that they aren't sure they are good at. People who grew up pretty good at school or pretty good at sports or pretty beautiful may not have practiced being dumped, fired or failing out of a class. They are used to doing pretty well. They seem to luck out. They haven't had a season of losing every single game or not getting asked to dance.

So when faced with a new teacher or a new presentation to give or a new intro to write they hesitate. They procrastinate. They end up overworking at the last minute to get it done. They exhaust themselves. Or they procrastinate so much that they get in trouble at work or school.

There's an easier way. They can go through work and school with much more poise. They don't have to be tense all the time. 

It involves practicing failure.

Experiencing failure is simply a muscle they haven't flexed much, or at all.

Eventually when people age, they start to get tired. They can't keep up with maintaining a perfect attendance at work or with handing things in early. They can't please all your friends or do everything in the relationship. They start to experience anxiety as they come to terms with the understanding that they aren't finding things super easy to keep up with. That can be scary. It's much scarier for people who don't risk new things. They don't know how to pivot. 

Knowing you can pivot is critical. Practice new things now. It'll help your brain understand you have a back up. 

Start taking small risks. Start now.

Take a new way on your drive home from work. Maybe you'll get suck in traffic or worse, end up on the highway. What a nightmare. But you get home and you survive. You did it. Nothing terrible happened.

Then try something risky the next day. You smile at a colleague you've never met before. It's less bad than getting lost yesterday.

The next day you do something new again. You go to a different Save-on than your usual. You can't find your soy milk, you ask for help, and you end up talking with the kindest person. You smile to yourself. It never would have happened if you'd gone to your usual store.

You start to connect risking with a newer sensation in your body. A small thrill. A contentedness. The opposite of bored. Huh, you don't even need to numb out in front of the computer anymore. You are having joy.

You realize risking is fun!

You keep practicing and you take bigger swings. At work, you speak up and suggest something new. You start volunteering at a place you've always thought of. You try a new art or dance class. You join the softball beer league.

Before you know it that dread in your stomach before work goes away. You have learned that you can handle things. Even if you can't be fast at work anymore you have realized the world doesn't end. There are other options. Pivoting is possible. You can move. You can change. Leaving is possible. And that makes staying feel easier. 

When we know we have a safety plan or an exit strategy that is viable our anxiety comes down. 

Maybe you had a parent that unconsciously supported you in making safe decisions. Parent yourself to try new things. You can do it. 

The tension, overthinking, dread will dissipate. Your feels of self-confidence and contentedness will soar.

Come in and get support in being brave. Have someone witness you trying new things. Have someone to be accountable to.

Warmly,

Natalie 

Natalie Hansen, M.A., Registered Clinical Counsellor

In person and online/phone in New Westminster, BC

NatalieHansenCounselling.com