Two's a crowd in couples counselling

Usually, two is company, and there’s a crowd, except, in couples counselling, there’s always “a shadow of a third person,” a phrase of Esther Perel’s (Perel, 2016), in every couple’s problem, which, in family systems theory, is called an emotional triangle. 

Shadows can come from the past, often those of parents or siblings, when a partner unwittingly imitates them when emotions run high, just as a partner might have related to their family (or vice versa!) as a child.

Sometimes, living people cast the shadow. Maybe the shadow is your child’s when your partner takes their side when they want something, or you take their side against your partner’s wishes. Perhaps the most painful example of a living shadow is when one partner has an affair.

Emotional triangles occur because strengthening one relationship at another’s expense serves as a pressure-release valve, lowering reactivity at the cost of increased emotional distance. “Triangling” occurs automatically, like an electrical circuit, spurred by our nervous systems, and is only interrupted when partners consciously work to modify their habitual patterns. Furthermore, the process tends to continue until the tension fades through emotional distance, or erupts in confrontation. A couple might reconcile and feel close, temporarily, until a similar situation triggers the circuit again. 

Despite their automaticity and persistence, emotional triangles reveal the key to improving a couple’s relationship. The point isn’t to take anyone’s side, let alone the “right” side, or pressure others to take yours. The point is to take your own side, the side of your beliefs and principles, with just enough emotional neutrality that you can listen to others in the triangle without needing to change anyone’s view or defend yourself. 

When you allow that kind of freedom, you, your partner, and the shadow (!) can start to relax. I often describe such “de-triangling,” as the relational equivalent of the Chinese Finger Trap. The way out is in. Tension and conflict will begin to lessen, and when both of you trust that your agency is genuinely yours, healthy patterns will naturally start to blossom.

How did that sound to you? If you’re curious to learn more, please reach out to me using the links in my profile. Until then, thanks for reading! I wish you much de-triangled health and prosperity in your relationships  

Reference:

Perel, E. (2016). Rethinking infidelity: A talk for anyone who has ever loved. Retrieved from: https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved