How to Support a Partner Going through Peri-Menopause

Is your partner going through peri-menopause? Is your wife or partner tired, migraine-y or anxious? Is she no longer providing the kind of care you've been used to receiving? Is she speaking in a harsher way to you? Are you finding it challenging? You are not alone! Many of the partners I work with are bewildered at the change in their partner's behaviour when they start going through peri-menopausal changes. Unfortunately couples spend too much time suffering on their own before seeking help. If the changes are not understood resentment or other symptoms can build up in a relationship. 

Coming into couples therapy or individual therapy may help you with some residual resentment or stuckness in this area, especially if you have been challenged for some time.

If the difficulties have not been going on for too long here are some tips that you can try on your own first:

(1) Validate her feelings. She is feeling pretty awful. Express empathy for what she's expressing, whether it is her joint pain, headaches, migraines, difficulty sleeping, frequent sickness, weight gain or thinning hair. Don't shame her for having symptoms. Try not to take on her suffering. Just witness and express validation that she's going through a hard time.

(2) Don't personalize her behaviour. What is happening is she is really not feeling well. You may find it helpful to remember how it was when she was post-partum if you are parents. She is not intentionally trying to be difficult. She is simply not feeling well. Making it about you is adding on. Let her be. Give her space. When you are having a hard time you also wouldn't want her to be triggered by it. If you have difficulty being around suffering and/or difficulty not taking on others' emotions you may want to seek counselling to work on that. 

(3) Through your language and behaviour try to convey to her that her health is most important and that it is ok to rest. Help take tasks off her plate. Research articles on how to reduce mental load in wives.  Instead of asking her what you can do take some initiative. Schedule time in your own calender to just think on what needs to be done and offer it with a confirmation question: "I know you have more on your plate with back to school shopping this week so I've planned out all the dinners and am going to Save-on right now." "I listed the old cleats on marketplace because I saw you bought new ones, good, right?" "I'll cover for you on strata council this week, ok?" "I'll take the kids on my own to my Mom's today for dinner, good?" Make your thoughts visible so she knows you've put effort into thinking on this and are making thoughtful choices about the family. Like in math, show all your work! That will really help her rest into you.

Women can easily feel shame about resting and not showing up for everything so work with her to come up with language that feels safe to her.  If you're not able to take on more due to your own work demands or your own health consider prioritizing funds and do the research with her to hire help for one or more of the following: house cleaner, assistant, babysitter, food delivery, take-out, dog walker, etc. If funds aren't there ask friends or family for help in these areas. Be supportive when she wants to say no to demanding tasks or volunteer duties that don't bring her joy. Say yes when she says she wants time to go the the gym, pilates class, the pool, art class or other activities she finds restorative. Give her space on her own if she's asking for it.

(4) Expand your definition of intimacy. If the way she used to show love and care for you was by keeping a clean kitchen, hosting your coworkers, or giving you long intimate massages you may experience confusion when these things drop off. It is important again to not read too deeply into what is happening and instead to understand a shortage of energy, lack of sleep, or an increase in pain or anxiety on her part. Something to help you feel ok with this change is to ask yourself, "what is the way she is now showing love and care?" There are likely other ways she is still showing that you are important to her. 

Maybe she is making sure there is protein powder on the counter at all times so you can make your protein shakes. Or, offering you coffee the way you like it. Or winking at you across the room when there's an inside joke amongst friends. Perhaps she's researching fall shows and writing down suggestions for the next series to watch together if all she has energy for right now is tv. Or how about quick maintenance sex sessions. How women show love may change as energy comes down and uncomfortable symptoms increase. Write down these reminders of her care for you so that when you are having a tough time remembering you can read the notes and remember she loves you rather than feel neglected by her and start a fight.

(5) Support her on her health journey. Be open minded and help come alongside her as she researches and tries different types of treatments or supports. Validate her feelings when she expresses struggle with the trial and error process of accessing treatment or supports. Help prioritize funds for treatments or supplements or exercise programs that she finds helpful or that are recommended by her treatment providers.

(6) Don't let your needs get completely shut down. You might be surprised by this one but just because she's going through a harder time that doesn't mean all of your needs get thrown out the window. Peri-menopause lasts for years. It's not cool for you to not get any of your needs met for that long. Think about what is ok to compromise on and what's too much of a sacrifice. Speak up often about things that are important to you so she can clock them and reserve her energy for them. If you sacrifice too much you will start to have symptoms like anxiety or depression and that won't be helping either of you. 

(7) Come into couples counselling if issues persist. Working with a couples counsellor is like having a supportive coach to help the team play their best. You are both doing the best you can and you both deserve to get your needs met. I'm happy to support you both to stay happy and healthy. If she is not wanting to come in you can come in on your own and learn ways to be supportive. 

Take good care,

Natalie

[email protected]

NatalieHansenCounselling.com

In person and remote support in New Westminster, BC