Do you notice you are thinking (and caring) too much about what others are doing? Do you change often change your behaviour due to the influence of others?
Are you cutting off friends due to their differing beliefs or values?
Do you let your parents' comments influence your opinion of your romantic partner?
Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a blurring, or lack of, boundaries between people.
Many times it occurs in families. Adult children engage in behaviours they don't want to because of their feelings of guilt about what their parents will think of them. Having an opinion that differs from their parents feels like a betrayal to them or to their parents. They hide the fact that they are dating or have left a job even though they would like to share this with their parents. Or, on the opposite spectrum, they end up sharing everything with their parents even when they really don't want to. They have a hard time not saying everything to their parents, or saying no to them.
The parents, on their end, are rigidly demanding about the time they require of their adult children. They expect extreme closeness. They want to be number one in their adult children's priorities even if those adult children have their own families to take care of.
This has generally gone on for decades.
Growing up in an enmeshed family can have an impact on how you think about relationships. With your own spouse you may have frequent feelings of resentment. You may give up large parts of yourself for your relationship. You have trouble distinguishing what's your stuff and what's theirs, in terms of baggage.
Growing up without clear boundaries in a family can also impact how you think and act with friends. You may expect constant closeness from friends or often feel let down by them. You may find yourself searching for data that you are being excluded from your friends. Other people in your friend group can handle it if only two people are getting together on their own. But you find that extremely challenging and have thoughts of feeling betrayed or excluded by them. You may experience feelings of betrayal if your friend engages in behaviour you disapprove of. You may cut them off.
Would you like to be able to care less that two of your friends are getting together without you?
Would you like to be able to focus on your relationship without your parent's negative thoughts intruding into your brain?
Would you like to be able to breathe within your relationship with your parents?
Would you like to be able to hold onto friends who are different than you?
Come in and work on getting clear on what you'd like your boundaries to be. What your preference is may differ from what my preference is. And that's ok. People are different. We are allowed to have different preferences.
Learn how to create a fuller, rounder sense of yourself. Learn what makes you tick, what makes you grounded, what you need, and what you dislike.
Create space in your family and other relationships so that you are enjoying the contact you have with others. Do things you want to be doing more of the time.
Having boundaries doesn't mean ending relationships. Having boundaries is a necessary fact of life to want to continue engaging with people. When we know who we are, when we are clear about what we want to do, we are less likely to feel exhausted or drained or resentful with others. And we are more likely to have long-term, rewarding relationships. Because we stop cutting people off we end up with larger numbers of people in our lives, not fewer.
I'm happy to help you figure this out in your own life.
Email me at NatalieHansenCounselling@gmail.com or visit NatalieHansenCounselling.com
Warmly,
Natalie Hansen, M.A., Registered Clinical Counsellor
Individual and Couples Therapist
490-555 Sixth Street
New Westminster, BC
(604) 816-6532
