The Relationship Patterns Keeping Couples Stuck

In my practice, couples often arrive with some version of the same concern: “We just don’t communicate,” or “We need to work on our communication.”

Communication is important. But often, it is only the surface issue. Underneath communication issue are patterns that couples repeat without even realizing it. One person criticizes, while the other becomes defensive. One partner pushes to talk, while the other shuts down. One tries to keep the peace, while the other becomes more controlling. Over time, resentment builds and both people can feel misunderstood, unheard, or alone.

Couples may genuinely want things to improve. They may even know what “healthy communication” is supposed to look like. Yet when emotions run high, they find themselves having the same argument repeatedly. This generally happens because the problem is not always about finding better words. It is often about what happens between two people when they feel hurt, rejected, criticized, afraid, or disconnected.

Let’s shed some light on what Happens to You During Conflict? Think about the last difficult argument you had with your partner. Who did you become in that moment? Did you get louder because you desperately wanted to be heard? Did you defend yourself because you felt blamed? Did you shut down because the conversation felt overwhelming? Maybe you agreed just to end the conflict, even though you were still upset. These reactions can happen quickly. Sometimes, they feel impulsive. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we look at the idea of a relational stance. In simple terms, this is the position we tend to take when we feel threatened or disconnected in a relationship. One person may move toward anger, criticism, or control. The other may withdraw, shut down, or try to keep the peace.

Imagine one partner says:

“You never help me around the house. I must do everything.”

The other responds:

“That’s not true. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”

The first person becomes even more frustrated:

“See? You never listen. You just get defensive.”

The second partner shuts down and walks away.

On the surface, this argument may be about household chores. But underneath it, something else is happening. One partner may feel unsupported and unimportant. The other may feel criticized and as though they can never get things right. Neither of them may know how to talk about those deeper feelings. Instead, they fall into a familiar pattern like criticism, defensiveness, more criticism, and finally withdrawal.

The Topic Isn’t Always the Real Problem. When a couple come to counselling, it is important to learn what they are arguing about. Is it parenting? Money? Household responsibilities? Sex and intimacy? In-laws? Trust? Phones? How much time they spend together? These issues matter. They need to be discussed and, in many cases, resolved. However it is equally important to understand how the couple argues about these issues. If the same type of conflict keeps happening, even when the topic changes, the pattern itself may be part of the problem.

Maybe one person always pursues while the other withdraws.

One attacks and the other shuts down.

One tries to control and the other gives in.

One explains while the other dismisses.

One criticizes and the other immediately defends.

Over time, these patterns can become so familiar that they happen without much thought. A conversation about unloading the dishwasher can somehow end with both people arguing about whether they are loved, appreciated, or respected.

The topic has changed, but the emotional pattern has not.

This is one example where communication advice alone does not always work. A couple may know they should use “I” statements, listen without interrupting, and speak calmly. But when one or both partners feel deeply hurt or threatened, those skills can be difficult to use.

Before communication can change, we must understand what keeps pulling the couple back into the same cycle. Our reactions in relationships are connected to our lived experience. We all bring our own history into our relationships. Our early family experiences, past relationships, fears, expectations, and ways of protecting ourselves can affect how we respond to our partner. For example, someone who grew up in a home where conflict was loud and unpredictable may shut down as soon as their partner raises their voice. Similarly, someone who often felt ignored may become very upset when their partner needs space during an argument. Another person may have learned that keeping everyone happy was the safest way to maintain connection. As an adult, they may agree to things they do not actually want and later feel resentful. These reactions make more sense when we understand where they came from.

But understanding the past does not mean we excuse hurtful behaviour in the present. This is an important part of couples’ work. We can have compassion for why we developed certain ways of protecting ourselves while also taking responsibility for the impact those behaviours have on our partner.

You may have learned to withdraw because conflict once felt unsafe. But if you now refuse to speak to your partner for days after an argument, that behaviour affects the relationship. You may become critical because you are afraid your needs will not matter unless you make yourself heard. But repeated criticism may cause your partner to feel attacked and become even less willing to engage. Both things can be true, your reaction may make sense, but it may also need to change. 

When relationships are distressed, it is natural to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. 

“If she would stop criticizing me, I wouldn’t shut down.”

“If he would actually talk to me, I wouldn’t have to push.”

“If she listened the first time, I wouldn’t get so angry.”

Each person can usually explain why their reaction is caused by the other.

This pattern of behaviour keeps couples stuck. If change depends entirely on your partner changing first, you have very little control over what happens next. Couples counselling can help shift the focus from “Who started it?” or “Who is right?” toward a more useful question, What happens between us, and what part of this pattern can I change? This is known as shifting blame to responsibility and recognizing the pattern in real time. What is your part in this and how are you showing up in your relationship? When each person becomes willing to look inward, the couple has a much better chance of creating something different.

Awareness is an important first step, but eventually couples need to recognize the pattern while it is happening. Imagine a partner notices themselves becoming defensive. Instead of immediately explaining why the other person is wrong, they might say, “I can feel myself getting defensive. I think I heard what you said as criticism. Can we slow this down?” Or when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, tell your partner how you feel, take a break and agree to come back to the topic later. These responses may sound simple, but they can be difficult in practice. Changing a long-standing relationship pattern takes awareness, practice, and a willingness to tolerate some discomfort. The goal is not to never become defensive, angry, anxious, or overwhelmed. Those are normal human reactions.

The goal is to notice what is happening sooner and make a different choice. Communication Is still Important. Learning to listen, express needs clearly, repair after conflict, set boundaries, and speak respectfully can make an enormous difference in a relationship. But communication tools tend to work better when couples understand the emotional patterns underneath their arguments.

Approaches to couples counselling, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, and Relational Life Therapy (RLT), have helped shape how I think about relationship distress. While these approaches are different, they all offer ways of understanding what happens between partners beyond the words being exchanged.

We can look at emotional needs and vulnerability. We can identify behaviours that damage connection. We can explore attachment, boundaries, and the ways each person learned to relate to others. And importantly, we can help each partner take responsibility for the behaviours they have the power to change.

It is important to note that healthy relationships are not relationships without conflict. Two people will sometimes misunderstand each other. They will have different needs, preferences, values, and opinions. They will occasionally say the wrong thing or react in ways they later regret. The important question is what happens next?

Can you recognize when the familiar pattern is beginning?

Can you pause before reacting?

Can you become curious about what is happening underneath your partner’s reaction, while still being honest about your own needs?

Can you take responsibility when your behaviour has caused hurt?

Can you repair after a difficult moment rather than allowing resentment to grow?

These are relationship skills to learn and practice. Communication matters. But better communication often becomes possible when we understand what is getting in the way of it.

Couples counselling can provide a space to slow these patterns down and look at them more closely. Rather than focusing only on who is “right,” couples can begin to see the cycle they have created together and understand the role each person plays in keeping it going.

Once we can recognize the pattern, we have a much better chance of changing it. And sometimes, that is where better communication begins.

Careena Sharma is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and owner of Kits Wellness in Vancouver, British Columbia. She works with Individuals, couples and families providing a supportive and collaborative space to navigate personal challenges, relationships and life transitions. Please visit Kitswellness.ca to learn more about her practice.