I feel like I'm the one doing everything in my relationship- What should I do?

Are you in a relationship where you are not getting any of your needs met? Are you wondering if you are being fair in thinking that way? Are these thoughts so consuming that you are wondering whether to stay in the relationship?

Worrying about the health of a relationship can be a lot.  Ruminating on whether to stay in a negative relationship can impact one's health and ability to focus at work or school. 

You are right to worry if you are constantly tired from doing everything. In a relationship you aren't going to have 100% of your needs met all of the time. However, you should be able to feel that some of your needs are getting met most of the time. There needs to be a net positive in the resources your relationship is providing you.

There are several reasons relationships can become unbalanced. Perhaps in the beginning one member of the couple leaned towards being the one who did everything. Maybe they had grown up doing a lot in their family of origin and it came naturally to take charge. Perhaps the other felt comfortable being the passenger who went along. Maybe that member grew up not have a lot of practice leading. Having someone take charge was a relief. A pattern of over-functioning and underfunctioning in their relationship got practiced.  It worked for a bit. Maybe even for a decade or two. 

 But now it's no longer serving. One of them is now tired. And the other feels outvoted or criticized. One or both of them have outgrown their old roles. 

More often than not, it's the over-functioner who grows out of unbalanced relationship patterns first. They are older now, maybe they have children or are in peri-menopause, and they simply do not have the band-with to do everything anymore. 

They are right in trying to stay within their limits. Their health is suffering

However, trying to get the other person to understand how to lead is just one more thing they don't want to have to take on. 

Can't the other person just figure it out on their own?

Unfortunately, it rarely works like that. After 20 years of following along the under-functioner may simply not have practiced enough of the skills they need to be actually helpful. They are also bewildered at why the over-functioner is stopping the caretaking. Feelings of confusion abound and resentment starts to build. 

Is this sounding familiar?  If so, you are not alone. The process of trying to stop an under/over-functioning pattern in order to bring balance to a relationship is a lot like trying to turn around a ship that is speeding along. You need extra support, safety planning, scaffolding and a coach who can stay the course and keep in their vision the desired outcome at the end of the journey. Without the help of a couples therapist the ship can stall for too long that it starts to sink. 

Changing a relationship takes bravery and risk. Both members need to understand why the change is necessary. Bring your parter into therapy to learn about healthy relationships.

Resting into healthy relationship theory can help turn off the rumination about fairness. Be coached through skills to flex new muscles. Grow into the whole people you both yearn to be. Build a fair relationship. The health of you and your family is worth it.

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie Hansen, M.A., RCC

Individual and Couples Therapist in New Westminster- in person and online

[email protected]