Break ups can be very hard. It is normal to experience feelings that change a lot. People describe an emotional "whiplash," with feelings changing every hour. You may miss her and romanticize what the relationship was. Then an hour later you may experience anger at her and remember all the bad parts of the relationship. This kind of whiplash is normal but can be uncomfortable.
One activity that can help process through this grief in a more structured and comfortable way is the flashcard exercise. Get a ring of flashcards. On one side of the flashcard write something you miss about him. Maybe it's his hands or the way the garbage was taken out everyday! Then notice the body sensation or the emotion that comes up as you remember this, whichever comes first. Maybe it's a pit in your stomach or a tightness in the throat. For some people they notice an emotion first, like a sadness. Pay attention to the body sensation or emotion for a few moments. Let your brain process.
Then go back to the flashcards. On the other side of the first flashcard write something you don't miss about him. Maybe it's the feeling of walking on eggshells or all the crying you were doing. Then tune into your body or emotions while remember what you don't miss.
Repeat with a new flashcard. Something you miss: having a partner in life. Tune in. Something you don't miss: all the negative overthinking you were doing. Tune in.
Processing with a cognitive tool like writing as well as a bodily tool like tuning in to the body and emotions can help us stay grounded while processing. It can help us from feeling like we are drowning in the emotions and can help us move through numbing out.
Friends may be happy to hear all the bad things about him but may not want to hear about your continued feelings of love for him. Or we may have rose colored glasses and remember only the good things about her. It's normal to have both good and bad things to say about a relationship. When we let our brains process both the good and bad we move through the grief in a more efficient way. Many people, about 70%, experience feelings of depression after a break up. Even when they leave a bad relationship. So on top of the emotion processing make sure you look after yourself by:
1. Spending time with safe people. It can be unmooring to lose your attachment figure. Spend time with people who care about you.
2. Doing activities you enjoy like drawing, running or parenting
3. Moving your body to help you move the emotions through
4. Doing what you can when you can. Working can be a great distraction but you may ask to less right now so your brain can process the extra emotion.
5. Allowing the brain to be in denial sometimes. The brain will only let you handle the amount of grief it knows you can handle. It's ok to sometimes fantatize getting back together here and there. In time your brain will deny less and get into reality more.
6. Find yourself a therapist to help you process in a healthy way, especially if you think you are getting depressed.
Once you have processed the beginning of the break up you will start to notice a newer stage of growth which may include realizing what some of the red flags were in that relationship and learnings to apply to the next relationship. You may also revisit the earlier emotional stages of grief and also may experience some numbing out. Try not to judge yourself as everyone processes loss differently.
Feel free to come in and work on this break up together.
Warmly,
Natalie
