Sympathy or Empathy – Choosing the right option to support a loved one

Appreciate the uniqueness of human emotions to be a great supporter

John Lennon is often quoted as saying, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” Ups and downs are part of the journey, but that doesn’t mean going through them is easy. When a loved one is sad, disappointed, frustrated, shocked or fearful, it can be hard to know how to help. Their behaviours may not be logical, practical or even rational, and while this is their experience, they may be confused by what they are thinking, feeling and doing as a result of that experience.

Providing support during challenging times can be almost as confusing. Your friend or family member may know they need help, but not what that looks like. When the one suffering doesn’t know how to navigate their situation, how can they tell others what they need? 

Usually, they can’t. 

The uniqueness of the human response

It would be easier if everyone reacted the same to life events. But because people are unique, so are their responses. For example. When there’s a death of a family member, friend, colleague or pet, there may be sadness but there may also be relief, closure, regret, guilt or anger. These emotions can fluctuate as a result of pain, suffering, loss of independence, changes to circumstances or simply overthinking. 

Some emotions feel positive, others negative and often they can be unanticipated. It creates uncertainty over whether the response aligns with what the world expects. This is especially true when there is shock or numbness: all bets are off if this is the case, because reality doesn’t seem real and summoning an emotional response of any kind can be a challenge. 

Another life event could be the end of a relationship, friendship or a job loss. Although these are different from death, they are still losses and these situations often bring up disappointment, betrayal, hurt, worry, embarrassment, disgust, guilt or injustice. Again, the emotions may fluctuate and if the job or relationship was stressful, awful, overly difficult or contributed to anxiety, once the initial shock passes, there could be feelings of freedom, optimism or a sense of motivation towards what might become a positive change later. These various emotions can jumble together creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict. And again, this can trigger worries of whether the emotional response is socially appropriate when viewed through the lens of the outside world. 

It would certainly be easier if we could all trust that when event A happens, people will experience B and their supporters should offer C. Life doesn’t work this way and is neither that linear, nor logical. When grief is part of the equation, what seems as though it should follow a predictable path seldom does. There are no set thoughts or feelings that show up on cue after a life event. There are good and “normal” days, then there are bad and “strange” days, there can be a dance of steps forward and back. Loss, when coupled with grief, is very much a roller coaster and not a fun one. 

It’s also important to realize that what a loved one is experiencing may not be logical to you. You may think, “that loser left you, you’re better off!” but that is not how they are feeling. We also see this with the pain of losing a pet where the grief can be even harder than the loss of a person. Well-meaning friends and family who don’t understand may make insensitive statements like “it was just a dog”, “are you going to get another one?” or “now you can travel without getting a pet sitter” when their friend or family member is still grieving their cherished companion weeks or months later. 

A loved one going through a challenging time will express themselves and depending on the individual, the reactions, whether verbal or non-verbal, may be subtle. Tears, isolation, outbursts, rages, change in vocabulary, depressed mood, change in appearance and low energy may make sense. But, if there are energetic reactions of positivity or a sense of motivation, there will be responses at the other end of the spectrum like being focused, active, vocal, indignant, unrelenting, driven and upbeat. And the two may blend and overlap creating even more confusion for both the person grieving and those who care about them. It can lead to confusion over whether someone is fine or not, having a good day or a bad day and there are no real answers. 

This can lead to unexpected behaviours like joining a cause or movement or becoming increasingly caught up in politics, laws, regulations or religion where those interests didn’t exist before or were idle. This behaviour is driven by strong, compelling emotions that have nowhere else to go. All someone might know for certain, is that they want to help others avoid the pain they are experiencing. That sense of being helpless, but feeling driven, leads to seeking out a place to put emotions and accompanying action.

Appreciating sympathy and empathy

The uniqueness of people and their fluctuating, often confusing, emotional responses amplify the need to understand the differences between sympathy and empathy. These two words sound similar, and many people assume they are, but there is a big difference between them, the signs to differentiate them and how supporters should uniquely respond with each of them.

Because we can’t assume what a friend, family member or colleague needs based on the life situation they have experienced, we need different options for how to respond. This is how sympathy and empathy might sound when talking to that loved one:

Sympathy: I feel sorry/bad for you and what you are going through. 

Empathy: I appreciate what you are going through and believe I may know what you might be feeling. 

Taking a more clinical look, we can consider the psychological definitions found in the American Psychological Association’s online dictionary:

Sympathy:

1. Feelings of concern or compassion resulting from an awareness of the suffering or sorrow of another. 
2. More generally, a capacity to share in and respond to the concerns or feelings of others. 
3. An affinity between individuals on the basis of similar feelings, inclinations or temperament. 

Empathy:

• Understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one’s own, or vicariously experiencing that person’s feelings, perceptions and thoughts. 
• Empathy does not, of itself, entail motivation to be of assistance, although it may turn into sympathy or personal distress, which may result in action. 
• In psychotherapy, therapist empathy for the client can be a path to comprehension of the client’s cognitions, affects, motivations or behaviours. 

Understanding the differences 

After reviewing both sets of definitions, the differences start to become clearer. The big differentiator is feeling sorry rather than feeling similar – it’s pity (sympathy) versus acknowledgment and validation (empathy). 

Before launching into offering either form of support, I have one golden rule to follow: ask the person if they want to discuss the situation and how they are feeling. You need permission to enter the conversation and provide support. 

My second rule – not golden, but definitely silver: focus on emotions, being a listener and supporter, but without offering solutions or reassurances. It is your place to hear your loved one. It is not your place to “fix” things. Solutions and reassurances are not yours to offer. If you are asked, “What would you do?” preface your response with the fact that it is your opinion and not a suggestion. 

Knowing the difference between sympathy and empathy and observing a person’s emotional state can help you decide what type of support to offer. Here are some ways to deliver sympathy or empathy based on what a loved one is showing:

Sympathy

Empathy

• Offer condolences, not apologies
• Ask how to provide support
• Provide basics: hugs, Kleenex, small tasks
• Talk about impact of change
• Reminisce about the good
• Saying “this sucks,” is okay
• Acknowledge situation
• Share commonalities of your own experiences
• Be positive
• Use phrases like: I get that; that sounds familiar; that takes me back to

These are guidelines to help you find your way, they aren’t absolutes because there aren’t any when dealing with supporting someone during a challenging time. While you don’t want to pull the “I’m a Canadian card” and say blankly, “I’m sorry,” it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and I want to know how I can support you.” 

It’s also acceptable to be with your loved one as they go through their pain. This can look like a full-blown tantrum or pity party, which can be very cathartic – as long as it is short-term and fits the need. Sometimes it is important to just reassure a person how great they were in their role of employee, caregiver, spouse, etc. regardless of the outcome (don’t link the conversation about the role to the tragedy or trauma). 

While both sympathy and empathy have their place, they also have their time. Look for signs of which to offer in the initial stage of the loss and then, stay aware as time passes for changing the style or approach through ongoing support. Both timelines are important. 

To know if you’re providing the appropriate type of support, look for these signs:

• Nods of agreement
  • Good conversation flow
  • “Yes” or “exactly” as confirmation
  • Good eye contact
  • Words that show agreement and a feeling of understanding
  • Appreciation
  • Open body language. 

Alternatively, if you hear “no” a lot when trying to create common ground, disagreement, corrections during playback of your understanding, confused expressions or frowns and distancing, you may be missing the mark. Finding the place to deliver support requires a good level of Emotional Intelligence (EI) to both assess the person’s state and mood and to provide support that fits. 

Psychology Today tells us that Emotional Intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. EI is generally said to include a few skills, namely, emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same. 

Here are a few tips on what not to do if you are unsure of what to say or how to act: 

• Avoid future talk, justifying or rationalizing what happened
  • Well, now you can . . . 
  • Maybe the next one will . . . 
  • Will you get another . . . 
  • You’ll be better off . . . 
  • They will regret . . . .
  • It’s their loss.
  • Too bad they won’t realize . . . .
  • Died doing something they loved

There are many aspects to being a support to others experiencing trials in life. To do a good job at it, learn how to listen, assess, respond appropriately and provide the right kind of help.