It's September — Recovery Month Is Here Again. But What If the Person You Love Isn't in Recovery?

You may not know that September is Recovery Month. And if you love someone who is still actively struggling with addiction, you may wonder what that has to do with you.

And that could be more than you might think.

Every September, we celebrate people who have found their way out of addiction, honour the courage it takes to choose recovery, and remind people who are still struggling that change is possible.

I know something about that journey. After living with addiction to opioids for 15 years, I am now nearly 40 years clean and sober. I know that recovery is possible because I've lived it.

But after more than 35 years of counselling families affected by addiction, I think there is another kind of recovery we don't talk about nearly enough.

The recovery of the family.

And here's the part that sometimes surprises people: Your recovery does not have to wait until the person you love decides to choose theirs.

“But How Can I Possibly Be Okay if He Isn't?”

I hear versions of this all the time.

A mother tells me she can't stop worrying because her son or daughter is still using. Parents are afraid to go away for a weekend because something might happen while they're gone. A wife monitors her husband's drinking, watches his moods, tries to anticipate the next crisis and wonders what she can do differently to make him stop.

Their lives have slowly become organized around someone else's addiction. And when I suggest that they can begin recovering, they sometimes look at me as though I've missed something rather important. 

“But he's still using.”

Yes. He may be. And you still have a life.

That doesn't mean you stop loving him. It doesn't mean you don't care what happens to him. And it certainly doesn't mean you abandon him. It means you begin learning the difference between his choices and yours. 

You Can't Choose Recovery for Somebody Else 

This is one of the hardest truths for families to accept. You cannot make another person stop using. If you could, you would have done it already.

You've probably tried reasoning, pleading, threatening, rescuing, giving money, withholding money, checking up on them, believing promises and sometimes doing things for them that they could—and should—be doing for themselves.

That's enabling. And although it almost always comes from love and fear, enabling doesn't help an addicted person learn how to make different choices. In fact, it usually makes it easier for the addiction to continue.

Helping looks different.

Sometimes helping means saying NO. Sometimes it means allowing someone you love to experience the consequences of their own choices. Sometimes it means setting a boundary and maintaining it, even when the other person is angry with you. And sometimes helping means doing absolutely nothing to fix a problem that isn't yours to fix.

None of that is easy. But neither is what you've been doing. 

Recovery Can Begin Before Anything Changes with the Person You Love

Something interesting begins to happen when families stop putting all of their energy into trying to control the person who is using.

They start noticing their own lives again.

Maybe they go out for dinner without checking their phone every five minutes. They see friends they've been avoiding because they're tired of explaining what's happening. 

They sleep through the night instead of waiting for the next crisis. They start laughing again—and sometimes feel a little guilty because they did.

They begin setting boundaries. And then comes the harder part: maintaining them.

The person they love may still be using. But the family is changing, right before their very own eyes. That is recovery too.

Whose Recovery Are You Waiting For?

Recovery Month is a wonderful time to celebrate people who choose to leave addiction behind. I will always celebrate that choice. Nearly 40 years after making it myself, I know what can be possible when we make that courageous decision.

But this September, I'd also like us to celebrate the families and loved ones who are making different choices of their own.

The mother who finally says, “I love you, but I'm not giving you money.” The husband who realizes he cannot monitor his wife into sobriety. The parents who stop rescuing their adult children from every consequence. The family member who finally understands that having a boundary is not the same as abandoning someone.

Those are acts of recovery too.

If you love someone struggling with addiction, perhaps this Recovery Month isn't about waiting and hoping for them to change. Maybe it's about asking yourself a different question:

What would recovery look like for me?

You don't have to wait for the person you love to choose a different life before you begin reclaiming your own. Maybe this September, it's your turn to choose recovery too.