Joel Brass

How Joel Does Relationship Counseling: A Male Point Of View

Since 1984 I have been helping couples have the kind of relationship they want. I bring a unique set of training, experiences and insights that help represent the male point of view in the relationship. Because men are never taught or shown it, they often do not have access to their feelings, needs and wants and have a very difficult time identifying what these are, not to mention effectively bringing them forward to their partner. Not only does this seldom please their significant other or promote greater closeness and understanding, but it puts men at an unfair disadvantage in the balance of power present in any relationship. They feel verbally out-communicated and out-maneuvered, leaving them only a poor and ultimately self-defeating set of responses like becoming angry, silent, appeasing, mean, busy, substance-dependent or emotionally and/or sexually involved with a third party. I help men know themselves, guide them in bringing their deeper and real selves forward and support men and women in developing equal, healthy, open and joyful relationship with each other.

Joel’s Unique Approach

The format I use for all relationship counselling work, be it man/woman, man/man, woman/woman, parent/adolescent, sister/brother or friend/friend is unique, but over 42 years of professional practice I have found it to be the most effective and efficient one. In any relationship, and let’s use husband/wife as the example, there are three versions of the truth - hers, his and a version which neither of them sees or takes responsibility for which could be called the version. In the first phase of relationship therapy, I see each person by themselves to thoroughly understand their particular feelings, needs and wants and the unique hurts, wounds and disappointments they have experienced in the relationship - that is to say their version. Then (with permission) I start to bring their partner’s version to them, almost always in ways they have never fully grasped before. I show each person in the relationship their personal dynamics and patterns of communicating or often unfortunately projecting (blame, judgment, attack, holding onto grievances) their emotional pain and emotional needs.  I show them the righteousness of the ego judgments, opinions and beliefs each has accumulated and become attached to about the other person. Above all, I show each person in what ways he or she is personally accountable for the current state of the relationship. Only after both people have been enlightened, humbled and asked to become responsible does the therapy proceed to the next phase when the couple comes together. This second phase brings the people in the relationship together to explore in what remaining ways their minds, hearts, bodies or souls remain closed to each other and what they can do to reopen them.

It’s Tough To Be A Man

It’s not easy to be a man in this day and age. I should know. I've been one all my life. Being successful in the workplace and making money are so central to our ways of feeling good about ourselves. But our career isn’t what it used to be. It can be taken away from us at the drop of a hat. Even if we can cling to it, we are asked to put in more and more energy and time for the same or less wages. From deep within our very bones, as we look into the eyes of our wife and children and see their beauty, vulnerability and dependence, something cries out in us to provide for them, protect them, make their lives better. But how do we meet those expectations when we feel so powerless ourselves? When we are feeling pressured to the maximum? We want to connect and feel close to our mates  and family members. But how do we do it? Time and time we try but come up empty. It’s a shock for us to discover that the very methods and strategies that we are praised and rewarded for at work fail miserably at home. No one wants a boss of any kind there. We want to feel loved. We rely heavily, perhaps too heavily, on sex to be validated, to give us a boost  and make  things better. When it isn’t happening or becomes dry and routine, we are lost Where do we go from there?  Back to work? To booze? To our golf game? To someone else? To live an even crazier and lonelier life? I am an individual, relationship and family counsellor with a personal passion for helping men. I know the minefields we can step on. I know the peace we seek. Call me.